I just finally got round to watching Jodie Marsh on Plastic
Surgery, I actually really love her documentaries on TLC. But she said
something that I was a bit like Hmmm..? She said she believed Tattoos and
multiple piercings are a form of self harm. Now, I have a lot of tattoos (I
stopped counting at 10) and obviously piercings too and mine were definitely
not a form of self harm. I was happy with who I was was and wasn’t depressed or
anything when I got them. I just liked being different and loved the art behind
the tattoo (because most of the big tattoos I designed myself) it was the same with
piercings, I guess it’s just something that I’m into. No one in else in my
family is pierced or tatted up, I’m the only one, so I feel it’s just who I am.
I very colourful and creative and love to go in the complete opposite direction
that everyone else is going in (and I hope my kids inherit that from me, as I
always tell them you do not follow people especially when you know they’re
doing the wrong thing, you lead) so for me tattoos and piercings are my way of
expressing my creativity, I’m definitely not trying to purposely cause myself
pain, I mean I’ve had so many tattoos that I don’t even feel any pain I
normally drift off to sleep to be honest. I also couldn’t imagine someone who
wants to self harm getting a tattoo as a way to do it, these people are trying
to hurt themselves to numb some kinda pain and a tattoo will not fulfil that
need in my opinion.
I now have 2 tattoos that help me remember the baby I lost
in 2011. The first tattoo is on my wrist and says “Too Beautiful For Earth” it
actually helped me to come to terms with the miscarriage and helped a lot with
the whole healing process. Because other than the actual miscarriage the thing
that affected me the most was the fact that I didn’t want to forget that this
baby did exist,
even if it was only growing inside me for a few months it was
still my baby.
Also as the baby was due the day after my birthday (6th
October), I decided to get another tattoo this year of a daisy chain with 4 daisies
to represent me, Cali, RD and the baby I lost, to show that we are all linked
and a part of each other.
Although I tend to feel a bit down around the birth date,
this year I found it particularly difficult. I think the worst part is because
the baby was due the day after my birthday I kinda feel bad celebrating my
birthday when I should be celebrating my baby’s birthday too, it’s like I
almost feel guilty for being happy on my birthday. I don’t know if this feeling
will ever go away. It’s been 3 years since I miscarried and it doesn’t seem to
be getting any easier. Luckily I managed to have counselling straight after the
miscarriage which really helped otherwise I think I would’ve gone crazy. But
saying that I did have to make a big fuss to get counselling because for some
reason Doctors etc don’t think you need any kind of help for a miscarriage that
wasn’t near full term. I actually managed to get help via the kids Health
Visitor, she was lovely and put me in touch with a mental health nurse who
It’s a lot to deal with on top of having 2 small kids.
have been through a lot (even before the miscarriage) and I would say I’m a
very strong person, I can usually deal with whatever life has to throw at me,
but miscarrying actually broke me. I’ve never felt so down and depressed in my
life. I actually felt like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders and
was sinking quickly and couldn’t do anything to keep my head above water. I
think the only reason why I didn’t loose the plot completely was because I did
have 2 small children who needed me so I had to keep it together for their
sake. But because I’ve kept it together for so long and didn’t get an opportunity
to take some time out by myself or even have some kinda moment of madness and
go out drinking a lot or taking a load of stupid drugs to numb the pain, I
think now it’s really hitting me and it’s like all I can do is just cry, because I
really can’t go out and do something stupid and reckless because,
I’m now at an
age where I know that if I did do something stupid there will be some kind of
consequence that I probably wont like.
So I do try to keep myself occupied so I don’t have time to
dwell on it, but recently because of the medication I’ve been taking for my
stupid IBS I’ve been completely knackered and basically all I can do is lay
down and stay still or sleep, so now for the past couple weeks I’ve been
finding I’ve had more time to think about the miscarriage which is what is
making things worse for me.
I wonder if this pain will ever go away.
Initially I did
want to have another 'replacement baby' straight away and time it so the
new baby would be born on the same day that the other baby would’ve been born,
but now I really don’t want another baby because I don’t want to feel like I am
replacing or forgetting about the baby I lost and obviously I’m not with the
kids dad anymore and I don’t want to have to deal with more than 1 annoying baby
father and I’m also scared I might miscarry again and to be honest I couldn’t
deal with that again because this time it might actually send me over the edge.
I think the only way I would have another child now was if I was to adopt.
I find comfort in the fact that the baby was and still is my
angel and is looking down and protecting all of us so I guess I should feel
Because it was neither hot or cold I thought I would try a new layered look. I'm still totally in love with my biker jacket and I'm not ready to hang it up yet and exclusively wear my winter coat. My oversized vintage denim shirt is perfect as it's quite heavy so it keeps me warm but it's still light enough to fit under my jacket. Also as you may have noticed I am obsessed with my turtles top and would wear it everyday if I could. I will never get tired of body con dresses and will probably stock up again in the Xmas sales and the look wouldn't be complete without these comfy leather biker boots.
As you know I love love love Barbados and always tend to go
All Inclusive since I’ve been taking the kiddies and I always go for places
that have a great kids club. Well Savannah Beach hotelhave now taken the whole
idea of a kids club to another level. Starting from 2015 they will also be
offering the Pauline Quirke Academy of Performing Arts which is a weekend
performing arts academy that provides tuition for children and young people and
was started by actress Pauline Quirke who is well known for her role in Birds
of a feather.
The students will be split into groups according to their
age and specialist teachers will take them through 2 hour sessions across 3
days, in drama, comedy and musical theatre. This all leads to a big performance
at the end that parents and other hotel guests can enjoy and let’s face it who
doesn’t like watching their kids perform, so be sure to bring an extra memory
card for your camera.
My 2 munchkin heads already go to dancing school on the
weekends so this would be perfect for them. It sounds like such a good idea,
because it then gives the kids something to work towards which means it will
keep them engaged (which also means you are guaranteed at least 2 hours of
peace and quiet for 3 days and if that doesn’t get you excited then nothing
will!) and it’s a fab holiday memory because not much kids can say *cough cough
brag* that they went to a performing arts academy in Barbados.
In addition to the performing arts they also have a normal kids
club and everything is supervised so you literally drop your kids there and
they are looked after by a qualified team. This is perfect if you are a single
mummy travelling alone with the kids, because they get an exciting and fun
packed holiday and you also get a holiday too and you don’t have to worry about
the kids whinging about being bored as there will be too much activities to
keep them occupied so everyone’s happy really.
Oh and did I mention Savannah Beach is all inclusive, yes,
so in addition to getting some me time while the kids are off being superstars
you can enjoy the fact that you will not have to cook or wash up dishes for
your whole stay and if your kids are fussy eaters like mine that in itself is
something to get really excited about, oh, as well as the rum punch.
I was so happy daydreaming about relaxing and tropical
cocktails and peace and quiet that I nearly forgot to mention the most
important part, the academy is FREE to those staying at the hotel, so if like
me you book your family holidays a year in advance this is definitely a good
choice. Also the hotel is exclusive to Virgin Holidays which means if you
contact them they’ll give you a good deal and you know how much I love a
So after seeing this fab hair on CyberLox Shop I decided I needed to change my hair again and put in some colourful Senegalese twists. I used their Transitional hair and also Ultra Violet and Japanese Violet from their Phantasia line.
After hearing one of the ladies share her very emotional miscarriage story at BritMums
months ago, I did mean to share mine too but couldn’t bring myself to write
about it because it’s still quite hard for me although it happened 3 years ago.
But I feel I need to write/talk about it just to help me heal because I’m not
trying to internalise it so that I go mad thinking about it.
OK so this is a long one so get comfy....
After a very very dramatic week I went for my 3 month scan
and before the nurse even put the gel on my belly I had a bad feeling that
something wasn’t right. Now I had Cali and RD within a year of eachother and
this baby would’ve been a year after RD, so I knew exactly what to look out for
in the scan. As soon as the nurse scanned my belly I immediately noticed that
the baby was backing us and seemed to be floating, when normally the baby is
sideways/front facing or wriggling about. In my head I was like, my baby is
dead, like I knew. The nurse switched off the machine quickly and asked if Id
been bleeding, which I had, but I’d bled a lot through both my previous
pregnancies and she explained how there was no heartbeat. Although I knew what
she was going to say it was still a shock when she said it because the week
previous I’d had an early scan and the doctor even remarked on how strong the
heart beat was for such an early pregnancy.
Anyways the nurse went off to get my cousin who was outside
with Cali and RD and I couldn’t even cry because I didn’t want the kids to see
me upset. I also found out that there’s a special side door that you can exit
through so that you don’t have to walk past all the happy expectant mothers
waiting for their scan. I was then given an appointment to come back later and
speak to a doctor.
After speaking to the doctor I was given 2 options, I could
ever miscarry naturally by myself (which was supposed to be like a heavy period
with a bit of cramping) or I could have an operation to I guess scrape out the
remains. Because I’d had 2 emergency c-sections (that had both got infected) I
really didn’t want to have another operation so chose to miscarry naturally, as
I normally get really bad periods/pains I thought that was something I could
deal with. So basically I went home and it was a waiting game over the next few
So after waking up with cramps I still took the kids out to
their playgroup and walked home in a lot of pain and was spotting a bit. Once
home I went to make the kids some snacks and bent over and felt something pop
and all of a sudden I had shooting pains down my stomach and legs. I then
noticed my legs feeling warm and looked down and saw lots of blood dripping
down my legs and the blood flow got heavier until the whole of my kitchen floor
was covered in a pool of blood. RD was in his Baby walker just staring at me
and screaming and ripping out his hair till he gave himself bald patches and I
couldn’t do anything to help because anytime I moved the blood got heavier. I
called the hospital who told me to take a shower and see if that helped the
bleeding... it made it worse.
By the time I’d got to the hospital I’d lost so much blood I
couldn’t even walk and had to be put in a wheelchair. When the nurses were
trying to take my details I remember I kept passing out and was so spaced out I
couldn’t even tell them my details because I didn’t even have the energy to
The doctors were very concerned about the amount of blood I
was losing and rushed me in for an emergency operation (which was what I was
trying to avoid to begin with) all I kept thinking was, what happens if I die,
what happens to my kids, I felt like I literally had no control because I was
soo weak and struggled to keep my eyes open so was convinced that the next time
I closed my eyes I might not ever open them again.
The doctors told me that they had struggled to stop the
blood loss which meant I had lost a lot more blood than a normal miscarriage,
so I had to stay in hospital for a few days and take some extra strong Iron
tablets. Annoyingly the ward I was on overlooked the maternity ward so
everytime I looked out the window I could see all the happy new parents taking
home their new babies and to be honest I did feel a bit jealous I felt like
that should be me. I did soooo much crying while I was there, I know I should’ve
moved away from the window but I just kept looking out and upsetting myself.
By the time I got home I didn’t feel normal, I felt like a
piece of me was missing, I felt numb. I felt like I had failed at protecting my
baby but once again I had to push those feelings aside and concentrate on being
a mum to the children I had. I had to be strong for them, because... that what
So when my 2 were toddlers I noticed both of them were
complaining about stomach aches straight after breakfast then right after their
bedtime milk. I first thought maybe it was the cereal as I didn’t want to
assume it was the milk just because I can't drink any kind of milk. I tried
different cereals and it was still happening but I still didn't want to
completely remove milk from their diet or assume they were lactose intolerant,
and then my neighbour suggested I try a2 milk as it had worked well for her
kids. So I tried it with mine and mysteriously no more stomach aches or pains.
It's weird because before my neighbour told me about it I never even noticed a2
milk on the shelf, she actually had to explain to me exactly what it looked
like and exactly where it was because I really didn't have a clue what I was
looking for, I actually thought maybe she got the name wrong because a2 didn't
sound like a ‘milk name’ to me. Once I understood the name I then thought a2 was maybe a type of milk like Skimmed/Semi Skimmed (Yes I was that confused) Now years later it’s still working well with
the kids, I wish I had discovered it sooner. I also wish they would have this kinda milk at school because RD has just started and loves milk but because he knows 'normal milk' gives him a stomach ache he refuses to drink it and instead opts for water while most of his friends enjoy their milk at snack time. I reckon there should be an alternative option of milk everywhere!!!!
Also another thing, I found if you check thea2 milk websitethey have a lot of useful info about what a2 milk is and how it might benefit you and the kiddies. There is also info on milk intolerance and even a few recipes to try. It's quite helpful actually.
So here's the 3rd instalment from my Silver Sequinned Minicollection, just in time for the weekend. So you can relax and have a good read. Like with my previous Erotic short stories it's short enough to read on your Phone or Tablet without hurting your eyes. It's a Fab read if I do say so my self *toot toot* hahahaaha