Thursday, 27 September 2018

Miss independent

OK so I know I normally complain about miss madam and her stink attitude and slick mouth but one thing I do admire about her is that she's never afraid to get stuck in. She will always chuck herself into a new situation without giving it a second thought. She never says she's scared and requests for me to follow her and hold her hand. She will go by herself and figure it out and doesn't want you interfering. She's very independent in that way. The one great thing is I know I never have to worry about her if she has to go away. Because with RD I'm there worrying about did he make friends if he by himself is he OK does he need me? But with Miss madam I know she just goes in and people are drawn to her and she just makes friends. She only needs me when she needs me, and she'll let me know if and when that is. My sister was saying it's a first born thing, but that's one quality I hope stays with her. So that when she finally flies the nest (whoop whoop! lol) I will be able to sleep at night and not lie awake getting grey hairs worrying about if she'd managing, because I know she will :)

Wednesday, 26 September 2018

Fresh start

So after RD was basically being bullied, profiled and targeted by teachers in his his old school to the point where it was making him depressed and sad to go to school I decided enough was enough and pulled him out. I may make a video explaining exactly what happened as it's extremely long to explain, but there were days when I'd literally have to carry him home on my back because he was so ill and weak from school he couldn't even walk. But the teachers made up a lot of lies about him then told more lies to back eachothers lies up. So I switched schools and now he's doing soo much better, all the teachers are lovely and seem genuinely happy to be teaching and are really interested in him which is great. Literally the best decision I could've made and the most important part he's loving school again.

I also moved miss madam and OMG what a change, this normally grumpy child actually smiles and waves at me before she goes in each morning (normally she has no manners and I have to shout SO YOU CAN'T SAY GOODBYE?!!). When I pick her up she has a huge smile, I get a big hug and she happily tells me all about her day and how much she loved it. If this is the start of things to come I'm really looking forward to what the future holds :)

Monday, 25 June 2018

Feeling lost.... again...


So I know Ive been away for a good while, I kinda lost my mojo for a bit. I stopped blogging and even writing stories because I just couldn't literally. It was like I lost all my creativity and imagination.
So since I've been away I've been dealing with my own little 9 year old girl version of Horrid Henry... Which let me tell you is the most fun ever... Trust me that needs a blog post all by itself. But during the times miss madam isn't being awful we do have some deep interesting convos, so the other day she was a bit sad saying 
'Mummy I don't know who I am' 
I was like you're 9 you're not supposed to, I'm 35 and I don't even know who I am. Then we laughed about it, then it made me think, actually who am I and what am I even doing with my life?
So I recently started making wigs to sell on Etsy and I worked sooo hard on it and that's all I was focused on. Then I thought hold on they're not gonna sell out in 2 seconds and make me a millionaire, unless Rihanna or Nicki Minaj start wearing my wigs. I mean if you know either of them please tell them to buy my wigs lol
So then after deep thought I decided I wanted to do teacher training and teach secondary school kids (just because after dealing with Horrid Henry everyday I think I could handle rude, moody teens and get them to learn) So I went and booked a school placement (coincidentally at my old secondary school) and looked at the funding options, which were amazing..... But wait they're only amazing if you have a 1st, 2:1 or 2:2 and what do I have.. A bloody 3rd which means I'm entitled to fuck all. No bursary, no scholarship, no nothing except for a loan and I refuse to get myself in debt again with any kinda loan. Kinda my fault because I didn't check my certificate and for 15 years I've been thinking I actually had a 2:2. I looked at all other ways of getting in and apparently a 3rd seems to mean your honours degree doesn't even exist. So yeah what a waste of 3 years for a pointless piece of paper.
I then looked into TEFL/TESOL courses so I could teach English abroad but when looking at jobs in that industry China seems to come up 95% of the time and most of the people who do these roles are young, adventurous, single 20ish year old folk. I don't know how it would work with 2 long belly kids in tow. As I'd then have to either spend real money doing Mandarin before hand so the kids are native talkers and I can enrol them in a free state school over there or spend most of my wages sending them to an international school out there, oh and lets not forget the amount of food they get through which would probably be the remainder of my wages done. So it would be a struggle.
So now I'm like OK what do I do? What do I wanna do? What do I even like? I bloody hate everything!!!!
Well not everything, I love to travel, I like hair, and personal style but I don't think I wanna go back into hairdressing, but then I don't know!!!! I'd love to work abroad but I'm seriously so lost. I feel like I'm gonna be all in my 40's chatting the same thing about what am I doing with my life, why aren't I doing something that I love. Then my kids will come along and land their dream roles because RD has already decided (a while ago) he's gonna be a bus driver, who sometimes drives coaches because he wants to drive and meet lots of new people. Even Cali has been saying she wants to be an engineer since she started engineering club at school and they're both like 
'Mummy what do you wanna be when you grow up?' 😃
And I'm still there like ummm I dunno. It's actually really frustrating and annoying but at the same time sad and depressing, like why do I still not know who I am and what I wanna do?
Oooooh why can't I just win the lottery that will solve all my problems.... It probably won't, but still lol

Thursday, 16 November 2017

Could she have sensory processing disorder?

OK, So for the past couple weeks it's just been me and miss madam, while RD stays at my mums and as I've had more time to focus just on her I've observed a few things. Now I've always known she's quite gifted and is very advanced academically, but I've also realised she has zero common sense, which has always frustrated me as I just couldn't understand how such an intelligent child could literally be so clueless (sorry not clueless but I can't think of a nicer word to explain it) Now I've spoken to some other mums who have children who are the same as Cali and they gave me lots of things to look up. So after a bit of research I' now wondering if Cali has some kinda sensory disorder.
So here's just a few of the things I've observed that have led me to believe this:

She's very sensitive to certain sounds

Like she'll happily watch her movies up loud but any other kinda noise at that same volume she just can't take.

She's very sensitive to the feel of things
For ages I've been struggling to get her to wear tights, even to school in the cold she'd insist on socks, yet outside of school, happily wear leggings. Then I found out she can't deal with the feeling of the foot part of the tights on her toes. I then cut of the feet off all her tights and she now happily wears them

She's not affectionate
If you're lucky enough to get a hug she will only hug with one side of her body, never a full hug with her whole body and forget about kisses and I love you's.

She shows no emotion
She doesn't cry, maybe once in a blue moon will this child cry. She's never really happy or sad, mostly just indifferent. She'd not affected (or doesn't react to) whats going on around her immediately. Although she will have an opinion on worldly issues.

She struggles to smell things

Particularly her own scent when she is sweating. Which is weird because she'd the whole reason why she went doctors and started wearing deodrant from when she was in reception, because she noticed that she was sweating and would be really upset about the smell. But now she doesn't care and can't seem to tell.

Socially awkard

She used to be the most social outgoing child ever, but now she's soooo stoosh. She mostly doesn't wanna talk to people and when she does she has no real communication skills and will happily turn and ignore anyone who acknowledges her. She doesn't like to carry conversations on with people. When she passes friends outside of school and they're all excited to see her she'll either turn the other way and pretend she hasn't seen them (even though they've called to her and said hello) or she'll happily walk past (unless I notice the friend and tell her to say hi then she'll maybe grunt a hello at them)

She also doesn't seem to get how she'd being offensive to people and doesn't care or understand your thoughts or feelings.

She still can't tell the time.... although she can...
This is a bizzare one because I taught her how to tell the time years ago I think when she just started school (shes year 4 now) then her school taught her the time in year 1 I think then I followed up with telling the time again. So she knows how to tell it, she just doesn't care to tell the time. Even the other day RD was trying to teach her how to tell the time and she didnt want to listen to him because she feels she's so intelligent and above everyone someone like RD could not possibly teach her something. Which is another problem. I keep explaining to her look mummy was very clever at your age but just because you're super clever it doesn't mean everyone else is thick and you can't learn from them.

Always has to win
Even if there's no race and no one in competition with her and when there is she will literally fight you and mash up herself to be first. When she doesn't win it affects her for weeks, like even if she gets 1 less than a perfect score on a spelling test that ruins her whole life.

Fixated on one thing only

Also I've realised when I explain things to her she just doesn't take it in because she's so fixated on one thing that she can't take anything else into her brain. But then that could literally just be a child thing lol

Lying and Stealing
Now I know kids lie, but this child lies about everything like shes a teenager. I can watch her do something and she will swear blind she didn't and want to argue about it. I also keep finding things missing and realised she'd been taking things then hides them in her room (or looses them) and she doesn't necessarily want or need them she just takes them. When I've asked her why she says 'I just can't help myself' which is a bit concerning....
So now I'm here wondering what's going on. I don't think it's a phase as it's been going on for a while now and has been getting worse as she gets older. I'm really trying to understand her and whats going on but I'm wondering if there's something that a professional needs to look into or if its just a kid thing,or if its a personality thing or a genetic thing as her dad is exactly this same way. Actually I believe her dads bi polar, but we won't get into that right now lol

Monday, 25 September 2017

What is going on with these bloody kids?!

OK, So I've been away for a bit, I think life and my bloody hardears pickney dem got in the way for a bit. Oh how I hate summer holidays. I would absolutely love over 6 weeks with my kids literally up underneath me if I was rich and was jetting off to some fancy exotic location and staying in some luxury hotel with a fantastic kids club. But no, *insert crying emoji, not the tear drop one either, the bawling one* But now the school terms started back and life is semi normal (well as normal as it can be in my yard) so I thought let me get a blog post in, plus, I have some child related stuff to rant about.
So Miss madam Cali... actually No let me start with both of them (cuz I have a long rant about that one) For some reason they both seem to have regressed ridiculously. It's almost like they're toddlers again, when they're actually closer to 8 and 9. Like when they were toddlers they never went digging in the cupboard under the sink and tried to eat washing up liquid or swallow the bleach in the bathroom or pull down too many fuckeries. But now OMG they're always in something, they do so really dumb/dangerous/unbelievable things. Now their little cousin had an experience with an open window.. so I'm very very anal about them flipping the latches and opening the window wide. So what do they do, not only open the window wide but lean out and shout down to their friends. I' always like ARE YOU TRYING TO DIE!!!! 

They're also now troubling the cleaning products I keep beside the toilet, actually let me just make a list of the stuff they're doing
1. Squeezing toothpaste on the wall
2. Walking out of their clothes and leaving them in a trail (apparently Im their maid and will pick it up, they NEVER used to do this)
3. Troubling things in the cupboard under the sink
4. Sneaking chocolates (that I put up very high) in their room then allowing it to melt under their pillow then waking up with it everywhere
5. Not sleeping at night as apparently their bedtime is 10pm
6. Eating food and simply throwing the wrappers or remains on the floor
7. Refusing to brush teeth or shower, I have no clue how they think they're not gonna get forced to do both...
8. Writing on walls
9. Messing up literally everywhere and when I say to tidy they make an even bigger mess which makes me loose my mind

Oh and the best one after breaking my Wii they dropped my TV out their bedroom window.

They have both been on punishment for a week, Calis has been extended to 2 as shes waaaay too rude and spiteful for my liking and I'm determined to make her change her stink attitude. 
OK Now onto Miss madam OMG is this child rude, she thinks me and her (and every adult) are size (if you're not Caribbean that basically means she thinks shes grown and on my level) She backchats, she goes out of her way to try make you look stupid either with her actions or a smart ass comment, she likes to try argue with you. Shes super spiteful (but then so is her dad) horrible to RD and very manipulative. She's not nice to you unless she wants something from you. She happily ignores everyone including her friends when they say Hi, she will blatantly just not talk to you.  She'll cut you off and talk over you and basically be a grumpy little shit, at one point I even gave her a bly thinking she may be due to start her period cuz I started mine really early. Oh and you can't tell her what to do apparently because she feels she will do what she wants when she wants. She also likes to kick off with the grandparents when they tell her No.
Recently shes been acting like a proper entitled spoilt brat and the joke is I don't even spoil her my bloody parents do, especially my dad. So all last week and this week I've been working with her to correct her behaviour because it's just not gonna fly with me. The thing is she doesn't get away with anything with me, yet she still tries it anywayz. It's proper draining but she is gonna change.
Like I said it's been a week so far so she has one more week to go but today she behaved, spoke nicely and actually smiled (this child is always moody) and gave me a morning hug and she actually demonstrated manners without me screaming WHAT DO YOU SAY?!lol
But yes this is what's been taking up all my energy

 Oh the joys of single motherhood.....

Monday, 15 May 2017

Feeling a bit lost

So last week I started this kinda wellness course. It’s actually really good so far, it’s a good group of women too. We are given a life coach, nutritionist, fitness coach and help with training/employment. But since we’ve been discussing what we would love to do with our lives or what our dream job would be it’s made me think I actually don’t know what I wanna do. Now this scares me, that I’m 34, a mother of 2 and have no clue what I wanna do with my life.
Now I’ve always wanted to be a writer and always imagined having best sellers and my books made into movies. OK let me tell you the dream... OK, so I would release a new novel each year and would live in a beautiful boho beach house in Barbados and would sit on my swinging chair on my veranda, rum punch at my side and just write my next novel. But since that doesn’t seem to be happening I’m like what else do I wanna do?
Obviously I love blogging as I get to write whatever I want and if you follow me on instagram you will know I’m totally obsessed with hair, but making hair videos for YouTube kinda quenches that thirst. But the whole being a published author thing just doesn’t seem to be happening and I’m now at the point where it’s like, what do I do now? Obviously I want the kids to be proud of me and I wanna do something I really love and I’m super passionate about, but what else do I love?
I dunno, I literally sit down everyday and think OK I have a degree in not 1 but 2 things, I’ve never used it. All I’ve done is have kids and let’s face it, you don’t a degree to do that. I just kinda feel like I’m drifting in a world full of people who are living their dream and I’m just here like..blah... and being broke while feeling blah. Oooooooh like what am I actually doing. I often sit and contemplate the meaning of life.

But the good thing about this course I’m on is that they try to empower you so that you can believe in yourself and do what you want to do and all the resources are there to help you achieve your dreams, so we’ll see I guess.... But still, what am I doing with my life...

Wednesday, 26 April 2017

Nottinghill Carnival::Costume Wishlist

So carnival season has started and you guys know how much I love carnivals and Soca music and this year it seems like all of the bands have really stepped up their game making it almost impossible to pick one band to jump with as all the costumes I've seen so far are amazing.

 Here's some of the costumes I'm loving for Nottinghill carnival:
Chocolate Nation

Island Mas 

Trinity Design Collective
Also as the carnival band leaders know times are hard, most have introduced a cheaper costume option called Fun Mas. This can be either a t shirt with hot pants or a simple leotard so people who can't afford a glamorous expensive costume can still be a part of it. 

Now I've done fun mas before and I loved this costume:

When I wore this in 2013 there was only a couple of bands offering this cheap/affordable option now fast forward 4 years and a lot more are including this and even making the costumes a bit more fancy  which is great when you're a single mum and can't justify spending a months rent on a beautiful costume that you will only get to wear once. 
Here's some cute fun mas costumes I found for this year:
RDR D Riddim Tribe

Island Mas