Sunday, 5 April 2015
So 30th March marked the 4th anniversary of my miscarriage and honestly I can say it hasn't gotten any easier. It still feels just as painful as it did the day it happened. I can still remember the day and the exact reason I miscarried clearly almost like it was yesterday. To be honest I don't think I will ever get over it and I think the reason why I miscarried is the main reason why I won't be able to get over it as it was through no fault of my own. If what happened didn't happen (I know it sounds cryptic) then I would now be looking forward to celebrating my babies 4th birthday along with my birthday this year.
All I did on Tuesday was just replay the scenario over and over in my head and just cry literally for the whole day. I just felt so sad I didn't even feel like doing anything, other than crying. I hate this time of the year and I also hate October, it's the worst thing to feel guilty about celebrating your own birthday when you feel you should be celebrating your babies birthday too (as the baby was due on 7th & my birthday is on 6th October). I just feel like shit basically and wish something would take this pain away. It's like how can you be heartbroken over someone you never met, but at the same time it was something that was growing inside my body so I had an immediate bond which is hard to get over when that bond is broken.
Sometimes I just feel like I have the worst luck and wonder what I did that was so wrong that bad shit keeps happening to me.