Wednesday, 22 October 2014

The M word

After hearing one of the ladies share her very emotional miscarriage story at BritMums months ago, I did mean to share mine too but couldn’t bring myself to write about it because it’s still quite hard for me although it happened 3 years ago. But I feel I need to write/talk about it just to help me heal because I’m not trying to internalise it so that I go mad thinking about it.

OK so this is a long one so get comfy....

After a very very dramatic week I went for my 3 month scan and before the nurse even put the gel on my belly I had a bad feeling that something wasn’t right. Now I had Cali and RD within a year of eachother and this baby would’ve been a year after RD, so I knew exactly what to look out for in the scan. As soon as the nurse scanned my belly I immediately noticed that the baby was backing us and seemed to be floating, when normally the baby is sideways/front facing or wriggling about. In my head I was like, my baby is dead, like I knew. The nurse switched off the machine quickly and asked if Id been bleeding, which I had, but I’d bled a lot through both my previous pregnancies and she explained how there was no heartbeat. Although I knew what she was going to say it was still a shock when she said it because the week previous I’d had an early scan and the doctor even remarked on how strong the heart beat was for such an early pregnancy.

Anyways the nurse went off to get my cousin who was outside with Cali and RD and I couldn’t even cry because I didn’t want the kids to see me upset. I also found out that there’s a special side door that you can exit through so that you don’t have to walk past all the happy expectant mothers waiting for their scan. I was then given an appointment to come back later and speak to a doctor.
After speaking to the doctor I was given 2 options, I could ever miscarry naturally by myself (which was supposed to be like a heavy period with a bit of cramping) or I could have an operation to I guess scrape out the remains. Because I’d had 2 emergency c-sections (that had both got infected) I really didn’t want to have another operation so chose to miscarry naturally, as I normally get really bad periods/pains I thought that was something I could deal with. So basically I went home and it was a waiting game over the next few days.

So after waking up with cramps I still took the kids out to their playgroup and walked home in a lot of pain and was spotting a bit. Once home I went to make the kids some snacks and bent over and felt something pop and all of a sudden I had shooting pains down my stomach and legs. I then noticed my legs feeling warm and looked down and saw lots of blood dripping down my legs and the blood flow got heavier until the whole of my kitchen floor was covered in a pool of blood. RD was in his Baby walker just staring at me and screaming and ripping out his hair till he gave himself bald patches and I couldn’t do anything to help because anytime I moved the blood got heavier. I called the hospital who told me to take a shower and see if that helped the bleeding... it made it worse.

By the time I’d got to the hospital I’d lost so much blood I couldn’t even walk and had to be put in a wheelchair. When the nurses were trying to take my details I remember I kept passing out and was so spaced out I couldn’t even tell them my details because I didn’t even have the energy to talk.
The doctors were very concerned about the amount of blood I was losing and rushed me in for an emergency operation (which was what I was trying to avoid to begin with) all I kept thinking was, what happens if I die, what happens to my kids, I felt like I literally had no control because I was soo weak and struggled to keep my eyes open so was convinced that the next time I closed my eyes I might not ever open them again.

The doctors told me that they had struggled to stop the blood loss which meant I had lost a lot more blood than a normal miscarriage, so I had to stay in hospital for a few days and take some extra strong Iron tablets. Annoyingly the ward I was on overlooked the maternity ward so everytime I looked out the window I could see all the happy new parents taking home their new babies and to be honest I did feel a bit jealous I felt like that should be me. I did soooo much crying while I was there, I know I should’ve moved away from the window but I just kept looking out and upsetting myself.

By the time I got home I didn’t feel normal, I felt like a piece of me was missing, I felt numb. I felt like I had failed at protecting my baby but once again I had to push those feelings aside and concentrate on being a mum to the children I had. I had to be strong for them, because... that what mothers do...

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