Friday, 24 October 2014

Does the pain ever go away?

I now have 2 tattoos that help me remember the baby I lost in 2011. The first tattoo is on my wrist and says “Too Beautiful For Earth” it actually helped me to come to terms with the miscarriage and helped a lot with the whole healing process. Because other than the actual miscarriage the thing that affected me the most was the fact that I didn’t want to forget that this baby did exist, 

even if it was only growing inside me for a few months it was still my baby.

Also as the baby was due the day after my birthday (6th October), I decided to get another tattoo this year of a daisy chain with 4 daisies to represent me, Cali, RD and the baby I lost, to show that we are all linked and a part of each other.

Although I tend to feel a bit down around the birth date, this year I found it particularly difficult. I think the worst part is because the baby was due the day after my birthday I kinda feel bad celebrating my birthday when I should be celebrating my baby’s birthday too, it’s like I almost feel guilty for being happy on my birthday. I don’t know if this feeling will ever go away. It’s been 3 years since I miscarried and it doesn’t seem to be getting any easier. Luckily I managed to have counselling straight after the miscarriage which really helped otherwise I think I would’ve gone crazy. But saying that I did have to make a big fuss to get counselling because for some reason Doctors etc don’t think you need any kind of help for a miscarriage that wasn’t near full term. I actually managed to get help via the kids Health Visitor, she was lovely and put me in touch with a mental health nurse who counselled me. 

It’s a lot to deal with on top of having 2 small kids. 

I have been through a lot (even before the miscarriage) and I would say I’m a very strong person, I can usually deal with whatever life has to throw at me, but miscarrying actually broke me. I’ve never felt so down and depressed in my life. I actually felt like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders and was sinking quickly and couldn’t do anything to keep my head above water. I think the only reason why I didn’t loose the plot completely was because I did have 2 small children who needed me so I had to keep it together for their sake. But because I’ve kept it together for so long and didn’t get an opportunity to take some time out by myself or even have some kinda moment of madness and go out drinking a lot or taking a load of stupid drugs to numb the pain, I think now it’s really hitting me and it’s like all I can do is just cry, because I really can’t go out and do something stupid and reckless because, 

I’m now at an age where I know that if I did do something stupid there will be some kind of consequence that I probably wont like.

So I do try to keep myself occupied so I don’t have time to dwell on it, but recently because of the medication I’ve been taking for my stupid IBS I’ve been completely knackered and basically all I can do is lay down and stay still or sleep, so now for the past couple weeks I’ve been finding I’ve had more time to think about the miscarriage which is what is making things worse for me.

I wonder if this pain will ever go away. 

Initially I did want to have another 'replacement baby' straight away and time it so the new baby would be born on the same day that the other baby would’ve been born, but now I really don’t want another baby because I don’t want to feel like I am replacing or forgetting about the baby I lost and obviously I’m not with the kids dad anymore and I don’t want to have to deal with more than 1 annoying baby father and I’m also scared I might miscarry again and to be honest I couldn’t deal with that again because this time it might actually send me over the edge. I think the only way I would have another child now was if I was to adopt.

I find comfort in the fact that the baby was and still is my angel and is looking down and protecting all of us so I guess I should feel blessed really.

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